Disclaimer: This is something I wrote a few months back and it was lying in the drafts so far. Today when I think of the day I wrote this, it makes my belief stronger in the phrase - This too shall pass. Mind you, this is not the current state of my mood right now. I am publishing it as I don't want my efforts to go wasted because of non-publishing of a piece of bull crap.
Do things have to make sense all the time? If yes, then do not read this post. It is not meant for you if you think that way!
I am feeling dead depressed. Reason - I know. But my heart is not ready to accept it. It's like losing everything all over again. I am too weak to face one more failure. The biggest one. This time my heart and my mind - both are saying the same thing, still I do not want to accept the truth. I feel too comfortable in my shell. And this very shell is going to destroy me one day, but at this moment I feel secure there. It keeps me hidden from the truth that's there outside, the truth I know but I do not want to accept, the truth that will give me only hurt in the end. I will face it when my shell destroys me. I know I will have to face it; but until then, I am happy being blind, dumb and deaf.
How easy it is to believe something that's not real. Difficult is to accept the reality. All said and done, you make mistakes unknowingly, you may still be able to come out of that; but when you are making a mistake knowingly, even after being fully aware about the outcome of it, then nothing can stop you from getting destroyed. Your shell will have to burst one day. You will be broken beyond repair; and the worst thing will be that you would have known that all along.
I am in a pretty weird mood. I have never been so pessimistic in life ever. Maybe because life always made sure that I fall and I fall so hard on the ground that I cannot ever stand up on my feet. But I have always defeated life. I have had worst times, but I have been all alone facing those times. I have been tough, to an extent that I had become immune to the word problem or hurdle. I accepted my failures and never believed that I could win. I knew I had to live with this forever. And I even thought that this was the peak of my pessimism. So very wrong I was. I thought that a heart break is the worst pain anyone can ever face. But there are graver pains, worse hurts, and they destroy you beyond repair. Have you ever experienced your soul getting hurt? Hurt is a small word. The feeling of your soul getting ripped apart cannot be expressed at all. It does not leave any marks behind. It cannot. Where will it leave the marks? There is nothing left of you, nothing at all.
I am going there. I know what will happen to me. But I am still going there. I was always going towards it, but so far, I had not realized it. But now I know my fate. The only good thing is that I have a reason to smile these days. A reason good enough to get me going happily. All I can do is to pray that the smile lasts till I reach there...