Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Attachment theory

I think I should change my blog name to Neha's philosophies. That's the only thing I am good at writing. Or so I believe. Today I was talking about attachment with a friend. And I realised that I don't get emotionally attached to people anymore. There was a time when I was an emotional fool. Strange thing was that not many were aware about this side of me. I always protected myself from being emotionally exploited. Vulnerability was something I wanted to believe/show that never existed within me.

Teenage days, I was not sure about what kind of guy I wanted. Yes, you do look for someone good looking always, but I was clueless about other aspects about him. I was a very ugly teenager. I never really had many choices anyway. But I was smart. People liked to interact with me. I could talk to anyone about any topic. From sports to politics to writing to reading to studies to people. Now when I think about that time, I realise how dumb I was. And others, dumber. 

I was emotionally at different level in each relationship. This attachment only increased with time. To an extent that it was no longer a big deal to keep my ego aside and agree to whatever my guy said. I was no longer in touch with my friends, his group was my group, my choices were secondary. Yes, I was doomed. It was a stupid thing to do, forgetting who you are and agreeing to everything your guy says/does.

I learnt from my mistakes. I decided not to forget my individuality for anyone. And I didn't. But this time, another extreme trait became the reason for making me the way I am today. I always loved unconditionally. In all my relationships. I never had any expectations from people. I never asked any questions, never expected any answers. That's how I was. And there were times when it was important to ask questions and demand explanations, but I didn't. It was almost as if I was chasing my own destruction.

I thought it was perfectly all right to do these things for love, to keep the one you love happy. But you cannot really be happy if you are killing your happiness for someone. Yes, change a bit, adjustments are never wrong, but they have to be made in moderation. When you are the only one making the adjustments and the other person does nothing, in all probabilities the relationship will not last. 

I thought relationship was the only thing that I was losing by being this way. But I was wrong. I was losing myself. I realised it much later and the damage was done. I started becoming emotionally detached. I no longer felt the way I would usually feel about someone - be it family or friends. I still care for them. I still go out of my way to do things for them, to keep them happy. But there are no emotions involved. I am not attached to them as much as I used to be. It's a good state. People don't think you are changed as you still do things for them the way you used to do. But there is something lacking in your touch and in your tone. It's a scary state.

Now it's too mechanical for me. For others, I cry because I am expected to, I smile just to avoid questions. But I am happy. I cry and smile for me. I don't believe in display of emotions all the time, but I still display them. I rarely have low days. I am mostly normal. The day I am low, I become quiet. I disconnect from everything and everyone. And I am fine in no time. I don't like to receive texts and messages and e-mails asking me how I am. I think it's useless. I like people who agree with me regarding this. 

About attachment, it might come back, it may never come back. I am fine so far as I am happy. And that's the only thing that matters. Yes, I love you. Hah.

Wednesday, July 09, 2014

Moving on

Life is normal again. I have a set routine, boring one. I know what I am going to do at what time. In my mind I always thought I was different from everyone else. I chose a career path people are scared to choose at a young age and without any support from anyone. The kind of risks I took at the beginning of my career at that age, if I think about it now, I don't think I would take the same decisions now. Or maybe I would. 

Life is different from what it used to be then. With age, complications increase. We study hard, get a job to have a comfortable life, get married to have a support system, have kids to prepare for the future support, mostly we are unlucky as the spouse or the child/ren trouble us all the time, parents/in laws too in case of Indians. Why did we study hard for a comfortable life then? Is this life really comfortable? Is your spouse really providing you with the kind of support you wanted from him/her? 

In some cases, people get tired and get divorced, in some cases they cheat on their partners, in some cases they continue living in misery. People who swore never to get married are changing nappies of their kids, those who wanted to get married at the first given opportunity have a very successful career. And there are some like me who write about these people.

What do we really want from life? And if it keeps changing, then why do we still continue living in the same old life that's not giving us any happiness? Yes easier said than done, I know. But why do we struggle so much through our life? From the time we are born, in school, college, career, family - everywhere we are made to compromise. Every time we are told that happiness lies in the next stage of life. And like everything else, that next never comes. You keep moving from one stage to another. You keep looking for that happiness. And you don't find it.

Funny how we realise that we were happy in the stage we left behind and not the one we are moving towards. Funny how we are not happy in the stage that looked so in the future and will look so again when it becomes the past. Is this the reason that the moment we think we have found the happiness in something in the present, we do not want to let go of it even though it starts causing us sadness and trouble after some time? Is this why people do not want to move on?

It's like, we have this in mind that if we let go of what made us happy at one point, we will never find another one? Maybe we have been brought up with the mindset that letting go is a sign of cowardice. Brave man fights his battle. We don't stop and see the consequences of our actions. We live with the same old values, some are good, while some are harmful. Some principles made sense when they came into existence. With time even they need to change. Being selfish is the key? Maybe. I was always told that you can be selfish so far as you are not being harmful to anyone. But how many times you have been the victim because others were selfish? If everyone behaves the same way then it's not really harming anyone and still being selfish. And happy. Right? 

If only people read me instead of Osho.