They saw me crying. And said that I was a very emotional person. But the truth was that I was crying because that comes easily to me. Just like laughing, or yawning, or not being funny and being extremely lame. I was crying, but I was not feeling as much as I was crying. And it has always been like that. I don't remember the last time I had broken down and felt as much as I cried. That's how I'm. Or that's how I show emotions, by not feeling any and yet crying.
I don't remember when I became like this. There has been a lot of disappointments, broken dreams, delusions, heartbreaks in life over years. People have different ways of dealing with such situations. Most become too emotional, beg of people to forgive them or get back to them, try to amend things in all possible manners, or simply detach oneself from everything/everyone else. These days I fall in the last category. Or maybe I have always been there. People keep telling me that I'm pretty strong after knowing my so called life story. They say that it's not so easy to face what I have done in such a short time. I say meh in my mind. It's not as difficult as you think it was or as easy as I make it sound, but I deal with things amazingly.
The best thing is, it has taught me to appreciate and love myself. Love will be a very strong word. If you ask me whom I love right now, I will not have any answer to it. Parents - no. I really care for them, like I would care for anyone I have stayed for the last 30 years. I can do anything for them. Is that what you call love? I can live without them. I might miss them, or maybe not. Will you still call it love?
For me, it's all about the attachment level. There was a time when I was attached to a few people so much that it used to scare me. I couldn't imagine my life without them. But like everything else, even people leave you. They left, or I left - depends on who is reading this, or whatever is good to your ego - but they were no longer around. And I was fine. And I'm not the only one. Most of the people are fine even after someone they love(?) a lot leaves. They go on living even though they claimed otherwise.
Someone I know used to tell me that he is a very cold person at heart towards people who have hurt him. I could never understand this. How can you be cold towards people? How can you not feel any emotion in your heart? But now I know what he meant. Now getting over someone is as easy as deleting everything that's there - pictures, e-mails, messages.
I never wanted to be here, but like everything else, I moved on too, from me. I have no idea when did this happen. I don't think anyone is responsible for this. I'm sure some people would be cursing me, some would be missing me, some would never want to see my face and such; but I don't care. I'm happy in my space. You were there when your time was right. Or wrong. It really doesn't matter.