Known Unknown

Disclaimer: This is something I wrote a few months back and it was lying in the drafts so far. Today when I think of the day I wrote this, it makes my belief stronger in the phrase - This too shall pass. Mind you, this is not the current state of my mood right now. I am publishing it as I don't want my efforts to go wasted because of non-publishing of a piece of bull crap.

Do things have to make sense all the time? If yes, then do not read this post. It is not meant for you if you think that way!

I am feeling dead depressed. Reason - I know. But my heart is not ready to accept it. It's like losing everything all over again. I am too weak to face one more failure. The biggest one. This time my heart and my mind - both are saying the same thing, still I do not want to accept the truth. I feel too comfortable in my shell. And this very shell is going to destroy me one day, but at this moment I feel secure there. It keeps me hidden from the truth that's there outside, the truth I know but I do not want to accept, the truth that will give me only hurt in the end. I will face it when my shell destroys me. I know I will have to face it; but until then, I am happy being blind, dumb and deaf.

How easy it is to believe something that's not real. Difficult is to accept the reality. All said and done, you make mistakes unknowingly, you may still be able to come out of that; but when you are making a mistake knowingly, even after being fully aware about the outcome of it, then nothing can stop you from getting destroyed. Your shell will have to burst one day. You will be broken beyond repair; and the worst thing will be that you would have known that all along.

I am in a pretty weird mood. I have never been so pessimistic in life ever. Maybe because life always made sure that I fall and I fall so hard on the ground that I cannot ever stand up on my feet. But I have always defeated life. I have had worst times, but I have been all alone facing those times. I have been tough, to an extent that I had become immune to the word problem or hurdle. I accepted my failures and never believed that I could win. I knew I had to live with this forever. And I even thought that this was the peak of my pessimism. So very wrong I was. I thought that a heart break is the worst pain anyone can ever face. But there are graver pains, worse hurts, and they destroy you beyond repair. Have you ever experienced your soul getting hurt? Hurt is a small word. The feeling of your soul getting ripped apart cannot be expressed at all. It does not leave any marks behind. It cannot. Where will it leave the marks? There is nothing left of you, nothing at all.

I am going there. I know what will happen to me. But I am still going there. I was always going towards it, but so far, I had not realized it. But now I know my fate. The only good thing is that I have a reason to smile these days. A reason good enough to get me going happily. All I can do is to pray that the smile lasts till I reach there...

The Number Game

I was discussing blogging with a friend yesterday. He was of the opinion that quite a few people (including me) take the online life too seriously. Be it blogging or other social networking sites. People take part in contests, get offended on remarks made on social networking sites, bash others and react on such trivial things and such. Well, a few of the things are applicable to me, like I feel really offended if someone writes wrong things about me or tries to malign my name and reputation which is too dear to me. Defending that is taking online things seriously, then yes, I do take it seriously.

When it comes to blogging, I write when I feel like and time permits. I neither write for numbers or comments since the time I have started blogging. I don't take part in blog contests too if you ignore my BPL participation which went on for quite a long period as we won it! 

But my dear friend is unaware that there are people who really take the online world way too seriously. Whatever he mentioned were not even the qualifiers for being "serious" about social networking. He is a very busy person so I can't ask him to check a few blog communities or twitter, but the day I do, he will call me the sanest person he knows on this planet earth!

People breathe sites. They kill for numbers. When I was new to blogging, I got many comments saying - "nice blog. Please visit mine too, follow and leave a comment". I knew so many bloggers who used to visit 50 odd blogs a day just to get those 50 comments each day! They seldom read the posts, maintained a style and words when it came to commenting, ALWAYS praised the blogger to be in her (well, it's usually her. very few visit his blogs!) good books. And it worked too for many. They always got the "desired" number at the end of the day. The only thing they cared for - the number! In case of comments, followers, hits, page views. 

Slowly the "follow blog" trend shifted to facebook fan page. People sent invites left-right-center for asking friends to be the "fan" of their blog page. After that faded away, now it was Twitter's turn. And when it comes to twitter followers, people still fight for them, cry when they un-follow and celebrate when they have a "special" number as followers like 500 or 1000 etc. Recommendations, follow friday, mutual admiration clubs are few of the main features of twitter. 

Ah, it's all about numbers these days. Number of comments on blog, number of fans on facebook and number of followers on twitter. 

My dear friend should see those numbers, then he will know that I am but a minuscule (rather, non existing) part of this social networking bandwagon. I am sure his definition of "celebrity" will change after that for sure!

This too, shall pass..

Disclaimer: This is a hard core philosophical and personal post. Stay away if you like neither. Don't post hate comments saying I wasted your time. I am warning you in advance.

Time flies, so they say! Some days seem longer than they are, while others you wish they would become longer. Such is life. I vaguely remember when I wrote my first post. It was almost two years back. Now two years have passed, with so much changed and unchanged!

My first post was a very personal one. When I started blogging, I thought nobody would read me. I didn't give my blog link to anybody as I knew I wrote rubbish. After writing 7 odd posts, I realized that two people followed my blog and one of them even left comments. That's when I became aware that my blog is not a private space. Making it private was an option, but I wanted to experiment with my writing skills (!!!).

So it started - a journey of blogging. Of reading and writing blogs. Of experimenting with words. And styles. In the journey, I made many friends and enemies (yes, some DO take blogging seriously!). I even saw peak in case of blogging, though it was a pretty small one for me. There was a time when I got an average of 35-40 comments on each of my posts. Slowly it started declining. Now rarely anybody reads me. I am not that regular too when it comes to posting. Many people I used to read regularly have stopped writing too or are as irregular as me!

But haven't I repeated these things earlier too? Yes, today is one of those days when you think of the past memories and want to go back there. It's one of those days when you think what have you done to see this day. But the next day again takes you by surprise. Life is full of surprises. Things happen at a time you are least expecting and don't happen when you are waiting desperately for them to happen. That's life, and it moves on, so does the time. But when you are at it, it seems as if the time has stopped.

Too much of philosophy already in one post! My my! I remember writing a post on this. I was not very philosophical. I never even liked to read much of philosophy. But time changes everything. It has changed me too, I don't know for good or bad, that time will tell. But the only thing constant in life is change.

Yes, you guess it right. Days are tough, but I am blessed with wonderful people around me who keep me going. They do everything in their power to support me, to cheer me up and face the challenges. It helps a lot when you know you have support. It gives you strength to face the tough time. And as they say, it is a phase, and it shall pass. 

Thus the wait continues. For this time to pass and the new time to begin. A hope for a better time tomorrow. A hope that keeps me, you, all of us going.

Blabbermouth Me!

When Saroj said that she really likes those posts where I rant, it kind of inspired me to write more of such posts :P Well, that's just an excuse to write a few more rambles and rants. This one is about me specifically and the "quality" I have which all those who know me personally are aware about!

I am a blabbermouth. I can be extremely talkative some time. Rather most of the times. I can talk to anybody and everybody about anyone and anything for hours. From a kid who is 3 to an old person of 80 - I can strike a conversation with anyone!

There are days, when it's difficult to stop me once I start to talk! And such days strike quite frequently :P But I am not a blabbermouth with each and every person. I am extremely moody and choosy when it comes to talking. I will go non-stop with very few people. There are couple of people with whom I talk everyday and with one person, I am a non-stop chatterbox. He suggests me that I should carry a mute button with me all the time! Mean! But I don't blame him either :P

But there is one problem with me. I just do not know how to cheer up someone when he/she is upset! I can talk to the person normally like I do with him/her everyday; but sorry, I understand, can I do something etc. do not come out too quickly. Even if they do, they sound very fake as you can sense that I am reluctant while saying so!  

Honestly, I am a kind of person who will not mind anything said by anyone while trying to cheer me up or just being there and showing support when I am upset. I do not expect a sorry, or I can understand from them as I know they can't. Same rule I apply as well when it comes to others! I am THAT dumb! Ah, and others think I am intelligent!

Too many confessions in one post right? Well, it does happen some times. Especially when people encourage you to rant :P 

Check the image below. All the gujju readers will enjoy it. Rest of you can leave a word if you want to know the translation. I know hardly anybody will ask for it as I don't have many readers left!

Interesting Moments

Days are busy. Sometimes because of work and other times doing nothing! Day before yesterday was one of the busiest days for me, which is supposed to be a national holiday! I remember cribbing about it at school when we were made to be present at 7 am in school for flag hoisting and then visit the nearby police station for the same. This was the schedule twice a year each year on a "National Holiday"!

When I started working, I seldom took an off on these holidays except when they fell on weekends. I have always been a workaholic. Free days disturb me a bit :P The major reason I have taken up teaching on Sundays.

Now, I wanted to blog about something totally different, but once the blabbering starts, it's difficult to stop as this is the place where you can crib non-stop and still people will read you (or, that's what I think). This post is about couple of very interesting incidents that happened in this week.

A very good friend recently bought a house. She was very excited about the investment. This is how our conversation took place:

Me: Hey

She: Hi. I have a news to share. I bought a new house.

Me: Wow, congratulations.

She: thank you. But I had to take up a loan of huge sum. Now most of my salary portion will go in EMIs

Me: hmmm.. well, you just need to plan it right, and it will be fine.

She: Arre nahi yaar, I can no longer buy footwear regularly!

Yes, that was her concern - buying footwear :P Now, she happens to be a reader of my blog and she is going to kill me after this post. Not that I have not warned her, but still, some things have an interesting ummm after-effects.

Now, I think I should stop writing about the footwear fever before I lose a loyal reader. 

Have you ever seen a cat climbing a tree to catch birds to eat? I saw one recently. Sharing the picture with you, but it was a scene worth viewing personally!

The cat jumped right after this image was clicked and we could not get the jump captured! While uploading this image, I found another one too. This one is of lolcat.

No, I will never be able to relate to it except the part that it plays a lawyer. Otherwise I hate pets!