Thursday, December 17, 2009

The Real Story (!My Revenge!)

Hey people, it's my pleasure to introduce you'll to Guria - the maverick misfit, popularly known as the misfit girl. she is an amazing writer and a poet, highly underrated and misunderstood most of the time; a simple reason behind this is that hardly anybody understands her sarcasm. And this great MM girl has agreed to write a guest post for this blog. I am sure you all will enjoy reading her like I always do.

You may need to access the key to the characters that will be found here.

Now there was a girl who wasn't a girl at all! Oh she looked liked one, almost behaved like one, had impulses and urges like one, and all the natural faculties were also of a girl's except her brain! (For sake of simplicity, the pronoun will be 'she'). She honestly believed that she was a man with the name of Sirius Black, with exceptional good-looks and a dare-devil attitude whose idea of fun was to try out something that had 'DANGER' written all over it. And if skulls and skeletons were drawn too, she'd jump for it. I mean all Farmville had to do was replace its symbol of corn with a skull with daggers, and you will start receiving your daily gifts from the lady-who-thought-she was-a-man!

Her real name was Nehatrix Blogstrange who is exactly as evil as her name sounds! She shoots her bedroom walls just to vent her anger when the water for her tea boils over and she's still doing her big morning chore in the bathroom! Now besides the revolver MM 5 in her ankle holster (she is too slim and sexy to carry a bulge in her waist!) she has got two other powerful weapons, her claws and her tongue! Well, if you displease her, she's going to type so powerfully that you will find that you have nowhere to run or hide, all you can do then is Sign Out!! But her tongue is more dangerous, she'll slaughter you by something you'll not guess the tongue can be used for!! By buttering-words!! And since it works before the claws, expect to be fattened and softened by the buttering tongue before being shredded by the roving pointed claws.... as poor little Dobby found to its dismay!

I was the poor little Dobby who met Albus at the Heaven's door and who told me, "Now Harry, let us step out into the night and pursue the flighty temptress, adventure." (I didn't mind him calling me Harry, he was shattered that man, his "dreams" about Harry and himself were never fulfilled) He for some unfathomable reason was fond of me, and thought I can make a better best-seller than JKR herself, at least I can give out the truth. So here I am writing my chronicles

So Hagrid had given me life, those who don't know the real identity, Hagrid is my father, and Professor McGonagall my mother! Don't blame them, all those toasty warm days spent cooped up in the castle, with no company, it happens! Watch BigBoss or Splitsvilla. But how did I become one small little elf? After all my father is a giant! Actually my father is known in other parts of the world as Ravan, who had ten heads, but no one ever asked him how? He took all our (mine and my other siblings, Kreacher and all) heads and made us all a head shorter! Our mother has been a strict teacher in and out all her life, pulling us by our ears making them irreversibly long and pointed for ever. And I look really funny, that is because I take so boldly after my parents. They are not as goodlooking as they look, just try them in their bedrooms with no make-up on, you will be bawling like a banshee!

Now this Nehatrix Blogstrange was like a breath of fresh air in my life and I fell in love for the first time in my life. I even felt pity at her disease of thinking she is not what she is, but I knew I loved her. Little did I know how disastrous my love for her would be!

Nehatrix was the one who had started the tradition of beheading the puny, unfertilised crops erm, offsprings and used her charming wiles in convincing Hagrid to give up dragons and become a head-collector! But I would have loved her still... But I hadn't known the existence of Severus 'Vids' Snape. They were the two people in lurve!!! Nehatrix and Viddley Snape.

And then there was Ron, like the wind, who was Nehatrix's chhumchha, who was bestowed with the title 'Won-Won' after winning the Blog-a-Ton with the greatest margin! Now his girlfriend was Hermione, whatever other records may show, this is the actual case! (I'm in heaven, so am blessed with a complete, unhindered accurate view from above) This Hermione was Hagrid's kid only, my sister, the only one who was not beheaded because she was so pretty and could say more in fifty-five words than Hagrid ever could. And since she hadn't lost her head, no one would guess her to be my sister... she was called Queen Lambi in her inner circle of friends, the Death Eaters, that she borrowed from her companion of nightly adventures, Lord Voldemort!

Lord Voldemort was originally called Avada Kedavra, but every time he was called, he would fall partially dead, ripped from his body, wailing like a baby, and the followers came to be known as the fearsome Death Eaters (Death Spitters wouls have been my natural choice). Thus the followers decided for the sake of simplicity, and remaining fearsome (without the leader they would have been disbanded) they started calling Avada as He-who-Must-not-be-Named-Otherwise-the-Tedious-Process-of-Getting-Him-a-Body-will-Ensue, which was shortened by ignorant people into He-who-must-not-be-Named.

So the loop was really looped that you would around run in circles for month. But Hermione and He-who-must-not-be-Named were great friends. Hermione was Ron's girlfriend by twist of the story but actually they were the sovereign of different kingdoms. She was the Queen of 55F and he was the King of Scary Fiction. But their friend, the cute little Harry Potter had no kingdom, he was actually a poor little thing who thought the sun shined everywhere that Sirius Black went. Who didn't know that it was Black's alter ego- the woman, Nehatrix who stole his love, Viddley Snape.

The actual hero of the story should be Draco Malfoy, the long-lost son of Nehatrix and Viddley Snape who was not just a star but a constellation! Best friend to Harry Potter and a offspring to a set of dysfunctional parents, he suffered from short-term memory loss. He sometimes thought he's a Bollywood actor, sometimes a cricketer, and sometimes a very good-looking politician, when in reality he was a very scary-looking should-have-been hero with ordinary characteristics and no scars, who would have looked really bad on the cover pages. So instead, the hero became his best friend, Harry Potter with the scar of a tattoo badly gone wrong (a simple mix-up between red hot iron curlers and the syringe) on his forehead, with the possession of Draco's journal with insights of Physics into the complex soap, and with the help of Hermione (she'd do anything for friend, evil or nice) and Ron (little did he know he will be delegated the task of being a side-kick!).

Draco Malfoy was completely ignorant of the cruelty going around him. He used to be fond of Dobby the little elf, but later totally forgot about me. And he hadn't known the power of butter!

Viddley Snape was as greasy as they come, and had an unending supply of butter in his head. And that was where Nehatrix's final weapon came from, and that's why in spite of all the good-looking, shampooed-headed men, she chose Snape! And as Albus Dumbledore and I found to our great misfortune, Nehatrix smothered us by drowning in butter!!

~~~~too much to swallow in one go so, it will be continued...~~~~

~ Dobby

P.S. Are you as tired as I am?
I know I am not as good as the awesome blogger in whose blog I'm writing but she is the evil heroine of my story. So if you are not so glad to have been deprived of your favourite blogger, this picture is to elevate your spirits!! Created by another super blogger (with almost as much love for the blog-owner as I have), the one and only, the funny man (!!trumpets!!) Shrikant!

P.P.S. This post is directed towards the blog-owner mainly and any hard-feelings at the casting should be directed towards me, only. But why there should be any hard-feelings I don't know, after all this is only fiction. Isn't it? G.:)


  1. Oh my!!! This was a bonker...Poor

    "Cute little Harry Potter" did you say!!

    :-P :-P :-P

    I pity your innocence Sirius Black :-P

    Oops, does Harry ever behave this way Neha?

  2. Oh that was an evil laugh by the way

  3. Ok... two things,

    I have read this twice and plan to read it once more... I really have no clue wats happening..

    but hey I like the has increased my mood...

    As i said it my last post, it ain't over...i was expecting something like this...

    ha ha ha...:D

    Ok i will read once more and comment one more time...:P

  4. Applause! Applause!!
    Ms. Rowling has competition here!!
    Damn interesting twist in the tale!!
    Cheers Sreya! :)

  5. I read it 2 times to figure out you were mentioning about me :P
    It was truly awesome...perfect guria's story with neigh-haw.....errrr...neha..errr...nehatrix's plot!!

    Wow!! Seriously I feel like reading harry potter! I am not a big fan of HP series, but after this, surely wanna lay my hands on JKR's writings!

  6. Hahaha. you gave a competition to rowling with this awesome piece. Hermione's, Ravan's head cutting story, "won-won", Draco's imagination..haha. queen lambi :P I love the nehatrix pic at the end :D :D In the next post, I want a pic of her in the form of padfoot, doggy ;) and of course, a cute pic of our dobby along with it. Since Nehatrix loves Dobby, why not change Dobby to Kreacher eh? I vote for Kreacher :D

  7. He-who-Must-not-be-Named-Otherwise-the-Tedious-Process-of-Getting-Him-a-Body-will-Ensue. ROTFL ROTFL..cant control laughing. Read it for the third time in a row :))

  8. Oh Guria, you've confused me totally, girl. I read it again, but still not clear. :(
    All the characters are overlapping. But I did enjoy some bits.
    I only hope the next time I watch the movie, I wouldn't be as confused as I am now. I mean these blog-characters seem to be more real than the real ones. :D :D :D :P Wonderful job, anyway. Hope to read again and understand properly. :)
    And that nehatrix pic!! Creativity at its best. Shrikant, if you are reading this, hats-off to you, dude. ;)

  9. Hey did I say? Nehatrix really looked cute in the last pic.. one of the better pic's of her :D ROTFLing :P

  10. the danger sirius black - wah, good reason for me not playing farmville and not sending gifts too...actually, instead of seeds, wish they allowed inferis..

    and now I have become nehatrix..hmmm. and that to a slim and sexy one - at least u gave me one compliment at my space..thanks :P

    tongue and claws - so very true about me..:D oh poor dobby, where are you hiding after writing all this? you are an awesome writer u know that na? and this is not butter my dear..

    and you are actually declaring that dumbledore is a gay? madhu is gonna kill u for this..this nehatrix is gonna spare dobby for this "real story"

    and your description about how u became dobby - too good...i hope sid got this one..n it is nowhere close to his story..this one came much before his story btw :D

    and when did this happen? nehatrix and Viddley Snape together? what kinda twist is tht now?

    hahahaha, draco urf rahul :P I wont say anything further :D

    PS: and about the pic, well shrikant not at his best guys have not seen his best work...he can get much more wicked than this :D :D

  11. I have been given the difficult chore of replying to comments, who will do it over at my blog, huh? But still more power to whose blog I'm exploiting ruthlesslty! *Sigh*

    ~ Guria :)


    I remembered that you haven't read HP, so the pun and the mangled story line will be lost to you! And hence a very mangled Harry Potter is the character! "bonker" is right! but don't kill me after you read HP! :) :)


    Of course, you are clueless, why else would you be Hagrid? Keep reading, Father! And since you are talking about revwevnge, this ain't against you, but that can be easily remedied ! :P :D

    @Shilpa Garg

    You are not serious are you? But I'm loving it! By the way you are the teacher, in Blogopshere and Farmville, who made my ears all pointy! :P :D :D

    Yours sincerely,

  12. @Shruti

    Two times to understand I'm talking about you? who else is Queen Lambi, the non-beheaded daughter of a giant?? :D
    Yeah, read JKR and come back and read again... it will be ven better! :))


    Aahh, someone I knew who would appreciate every syllable, another person I know besides Nehatrix and me, who has learnt HP by heart! :D
    So, you like it, eh? Great!! :D
    How was Won-Won, that was my favourite contribution on my part!! :D
    And He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named too! :P :P :D

    With Love,

  13. "He used to be fond of Dobby the little elf, but later totally forgot about me."
    hey hey..what was that?
    I mean how can i forget?
    oh the reason may be:
    short term memory loss...
    ha ha ha....

    (:( am missing all you blogger friends.. I am almost always online but this hectic life has extracted all the juice and fun...

  14. Hahaha...Great post by Guriya..she's gonna give Rowling a healthy competition :)
    Hermione's story is cute....and Snape's buttered! Loved the photo!

  15. I dunno where did the comments by Madhu and shrikant go...

    Madhu said:

    "I take my hat off to you --or I would, if I were not afraid of showering you with spiders.. "

    Butter ? Mmmmm


    "Alas! Ear wax!"

  16. shrikant said:

    Excellent!!! That was one of the mostest bestest Harry Potter Fan Fiction(or should I say Nehatrix Fan Fiction) I have ever read
    Thanks Guria for such a wonderful piece of art!!!

    And ofcourse thanks for the compliments on the Nehatrix portrait

    @ Karthik
    Thanks to you as well!!!

    @ Neha
    I think this post suits you a lot :D
    and you are right.. some of my best pics are still on the drawing board (smiling wickedly)

  17. Okay, now I'm confused :(

    me and neha are together ? really ? and rahul .a.k.a is our what ?

    Got to read this again !

  18. hehehehe that was total fun... what characterisation... though i could identify with a few of them...
    wonderfully penned...

  19. hehehehe that was total fun... what characterisation... though i could identify with a few of them...
    wonderfully penned...

  20. A little confusing here n there but an interesting read anyway!!!

    N I love the pic there!!:)

  21. Wow! my head is spinning! U r talented at this, gotta say..

  22. I wish not acquiesce in on it. I over polite post. Especially the title attracted me to read the sound story.